“Your face has a hole in it Miss Rachel!” announced three-year-old Lucas as he picked up his orange and black plastic hammer and began hitting the dimple on my right cheek, “And I’m gonna fix it for you like Fix-it Felix.”
“Lucas, please stop hitting me in the face with that hammer. Let’s see if there is anything else in this room we can fix that does not involve violence to Miss Rachel” I said as I looked for something, anything, to get him to quit smacking my face over and over with the hammer.
“How about your eyes?” Lucas quipped as he began banging his hammer on my glasses, “You wear glasses because your eyes are broken. Let’s fix them.”
“Lucas, I wear glasses because it is hard for me to see far away; not because my eyes are broken. I would appreciate it if you would stop hitting me with that hammer” I said as he began whacking my legs in an attempt to fix whatever else he thought he needed to fix on me.
As Lucas and I sat in the basement, and he played human whack-a-mole with my body, my brain started spinning with thoughts….irrational thoughts…Ed’s thoughts. Ed chimed right in with Lucas, “See, Rhea, even Lucas thinks you’re not good enough, and need to be fixed. Maybe he can thump on your thighs, stomach and all the other places on your body I don’t like too? I’ve been trying to fix you for YEARS, woman. If a precious little three-year-old boy thinks you’re fat, you obviously are. Let’s go engage in some behaviors so Lucas will think he fixed you.”
The further along I progress in my recovery, my ability to spot Ed’s thought process in my life, stop it and reframe it has increased greatly. When Ed thoughts seep their way in to my brain, it is my responsibility to stop those thoughts before they lead me down the path to hell and reframe them into recovery-minded thoughts. By taking a moment to separate Ed’s irrational thoughts from your rational recovery-oriented thoughts, you are able to recognize unhealthy thoughts and behaviors before they grab ahold of you. At first, you do not necessarily have to believe Ed’s thoughts are wrong; you just have to disobey them. With time and practice (lots and lots of practice) you will be able to both disassociate (recognize that Ed’s thoughts are not yours and that they are wrong) and disobey Ed’s thoughts when they creep into your conscious.
When Ed told me that Lucas thought I was a fat horrible mess that needed fixed with a plastic hammer and some Ed behaviors, I was able to see those thoughts for what they really were…lies. Lucas was being a three-year-old boy. He was beating me with a hammer because he wanted to “fix something” with it, just like the character Fix-it Felix in the movie Wreck it Ralph. I just happened to be the thing to fix because I was in arm’s length of his hammer. Additionally, I knew Ed was lying to me to get me to engage in behaviors because never once did Lucas tell me that he wanted to fix me because I was fat or ugly or disgusting…he wanted to fix my face because he thought my dimple was a hole and he wanted to fix my eyes because he did not want me to have to wear glasses. By trying to “fix” me, Lucas was actually trying to show that he cared for me. However, by trying to “fix” me, Ed was/is actually trying to kill me; she only cares that I get sick and die listening to and following her lies.
I decided, while sitting on the floor with Lucas, that there is a much better use for his plastic hammer…to smash Ed to smithereens.
“Our God will fight for us!”