one girl's thoughts on life, mental illness, eating disorder recovery, and hope.

When you attend a lecture and get a gift from your sister August 20, 2013

Last week I went to an amazing presentation held by the Lindner Center of Hope featuring a lecture by Dr. Chris Tuell entitled “The Addictive Brain and Co-occurring Disorders”. Although the lecture focused mainly on substance, gambling and internet addictions, Dr. Tuell brought up many points that, I believe, can be applied to eating disorder recovery as well as life in general.


Firstly, Dr. Tuell described addictions (and yes, eating disorders are addictions) as following a “Three C’s and a T” model:

C- Loss of Control


C-Continued use despite the negative consequences

T-Thinking (obsessions)


I think treating eating disorders using this addiction model is very helpful for both those who suffer from the disease and those assisting him or her in recovery. Not only are eating disorders a loss of control in terms of thoughts and behaviors (contrary to what society believes), but they soon exercise control over your entire life; including parts of your life you thought were not in danger of being taken over by the eating disorder.  These diseases are compulsions—you feel compelled to engage in thoughts and behaviors even though, consciously or subconsciously, you know they are irrational and unhealthy–continued in the face of negative consequences (and believe me, there are PLENTY of negative consequences and I have experienced many of them) and have many obsessive thoughts. Once both the sufferer and society view eating disorders as addictions rather than brief illnesses in the pursuit of vanity, we can get serious about getting the necessary help and treatment available to all that need it.


Dr. Tuell also related a story of when he participated in a blindfolded rope maze as part of an educational experience. Dr. Tuell and his fellow doctors attending the educational session, were blindfolded and told to find their way through a maze made from rope by walking through the maze holding on to the waist-high ropes to guide them—as they did not have the benefit of being able to see the path to the end of the maze. There were only two rules 1) you must keep the blindfold on at all times and 2) if you need help, raise your hand and we will help you. Dr. Tuell expressed his frustration when the maze facilitators would call out that another one of his colleagues made it through the maze while he was still desperately grabbing at ropes trying to find his way to the end of the maze. After twenty, then thirty, then forty minutes, Dr. Tuell’s hand when up and a facilitator came over to ask what he needed.


I’m sure you are thinking exactly what I was thinking at this point, “Ok, the good doctor was in a rope maze forever and finally gave up,” but you have probably also added, “and why is Rachel telling me about this now?” Well, simply put, Dr. Tuell’s blindfolded rope maze is very metaphoric of recovery. We go through this blindfolded rope maze of recovery without any clear objective other than to get to the end–which is, of course, recovery. We hear shouts of others as they get to the end, and use it as proof that we are hopeless and will never make it to the end. However, we continue working at finding our way; determined we will get to the end eventually. And even though we know we can get the help we need by asking for it, we are determined to “do it on our own”; after all asking for help is a sign of weakness, isn’t it (it’s not, by the way). Finally, fueled by frustration and self-hatred for not being able to make it to the end, you raise your hand and proclaim, “I need help!” You say it out loud, with pride in your voice and the security of knowing that you do not—and cannot—make it to the end alone. There is no shame in asking for help. If Dr. Tuell had not asked for help, he may still be trying to find his way out of the rope maze and would not have made it to the lecture at all. Asking for help is a strength that few people posses; it is a strength to acknowledge your need for help and find ways to go about getting what you need. I don’t know–and don’t care to know–where I would be had I not sought out both professional and personal help for my eating disorder. Ask for help. You are worth it.


My little sister bought me this bracelet. It says “I am enough” and has the date 11-11-09 (the date I admitted I need more help; that I cannot do this alone)

Psalms 29:11

The Lord gives strength to His people;  the Lord blesses His people with peace.


When you go out in public August 9, 2013

One of the hardest things in recovery is simply going out into the world. Whether it is to the grocery, the post office, dinner with friends or even a drive across town…each trip brings with it a certain edge of anxiety. Ed is always in the back of your mind telling you of her opinion on how you look, how others think you look, and how she thinks you look/what you can eat/when you must purge/how dumb you are (all of her thoughts are lies, by the way). Ultimately, she has two goals: to kill you and to isolate you from others until she can kill you. That’s it. 

A big part of my recovery has been asking for help when I need it, and reconnecting with others through the isolation of Ed. Rejoining the outside world has been  instrumental in reminding me that I am, indeed, more than my Ed…that I am a wonderfully imperfect human being and as such, I deserve to enjoy my life. 

Here are some photos I took of Cincinnati’s Music Hall during their Luminocity show–which combined the Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra, Cincinnati Ballet, and lots of really cool lights. I enjoyed a night spent with my friend Melissa in the bushes of Washington Park listening the symphony and watching the lights moving in perfect synchronicity to the music…along with 15,000 of our closest friends (ok, so maybe they were not really our “friends”). 


Psalms 46:5

God is within her, she will not fall;
    God will help her at break of day.