Check Engine Please October 29, 2012

“It’s going to be a process. I’m not fixed, but I’m trying to do the right thing one day at a time” Josh Hamilton

Two weeks ago, I was cruising along in Little Red, belting out some Adele and thinking about how cool it would be to have an English accent (instead of this Cincinnati/Kentucky twang I’ve got going on), when, all of the sudden, a horrible thing happened. There, flashing ominously in an orange light on the dashboard was the most dreaded part of any driver’s day…the check engine light. I’ll admit it, it wasn’t unexpected, but it still frustrated me to know that something was wrong with Little Red. Little Red is a 2000 Pontiac Grand Prix who has been through a lot. She’s survived a 55 MPH collision with a Ford F250, repeated interior flooding and a small collision with the family mailbox…ok two small collisions with the mailbox. But never once have I given up on her. There was always some kind of fix or repair to make everything right again. I immediately called my cousin, a mechanic, to see what he could do to repair her. We scheduled for me to drop her off in two days. The following day brought a new set of horrors for Little Red. It was around 80 degrees that day, and the windows needed to be let down in order to prevent the car from turning into a solar cooker. When the window button was pressed to bring them back up, I heard the motor burn out and the windows refused to budge. Wonderful, but also not the first time this has happened (rather it was the fourth time a motor has burned out in her windows). Oh, but then, even better news, it thunder stormed that night. Luckily for me, I live in an area in which it is perfectly acceptable, if not mandatory, to duct tape a garbage bag over a missing window.

As I was taping a garbage bag over her window, I got to thinking. If I treated my body and cared for my body as much as I cared for Little Red, imagine how healthy I could be? Even when Little Red was completely smashed by that pickup truck, I knew everything was going to be ok. When the check engine light came on, it was a warning that Little Red could break down if I don’t take better care of her…so what did I do? I took her to my cousin’s to get repaired. It seems odd to me, that I can put so much faith and trust into a man-made hunk of steel and plastic (but mostly plastic)…but almost none into to body that was purposely, wonderfully and fearfully made perfectly by the Lord. My body has survived a lot: years of abuse from ED, self-harm and the effects of the decisions I’ve made while under those two influences. But my body never gave up on me; it just kept right on living and carrying me through life waiting for me to figure everything out—with the little orange check engine light flashing in the background. My body never gave up faith and trust in me, no matter how many times I tried to show it that I may not possess that same faith and trust. My body knew that there was always another day, another hour, another minute to repair, recover and renew–more opportunities for healing and living. My check engine light has come on several times warning me that I was/am close to needing repair, but, each time, my body has persevered. I need to stop ignoring this light when it comes on in my life. I need to learn to appreciate my body for what it does for me, and stop punishing it for what I think it doesn’t.

Little Red didn’t throw in the towel when the check engine light came on, she didn’t run to ED looking for comfort when the pickup truck failed to stop in time, she didn’t use any negative coping strategies when the window motor burnt out and the window wouldn’t go back up…no, she just kept on. Much as my body kept on in spite of all its been through. I must remember that my body deserves the same kind of treatment that I give to Little Red. I must pledge to pay attention when my body turns on the check engine light as a way to assess what is currently happening and find a way towards health. I promise myself that from here on out  I will remember just how awesome my body is, and even though I may not always acknowledge its work or like its appearance…it serves a purpose, and that purpose is life. And as long as I’m alive I will continue to fight ED and regain the body and mind given to me by the Lord. Because, really, how awesome is life?

I used to have a picture of my dashboard here, but wordpress ate it or something…but, whatever, here is the text that was underneath it.

Over the RPM dial is the Josh Hamilton quote I have embraced as to how I think I should view life: “I live by a simple philosophy: nobody can insult me as much as I have insulted myself. I’ve learned that I have to keep doing the right things and not worry about what people think.” Over the engine temperature gauge is a note from a friend that reads “You are important”. I just like having little reminders in unexpected places that encourage me to keep fighting.

What I learned from Josh Hamilton September 24, 2012

“I live by a simple philosophy: nobody can insult me as much as I have insulted myself. I’ve learned that I have to keep doing the right things and not worry about what people think.” Josh Hamilton

The above quote has been taped to my dashboard for the past four years. Why? Because Josh Hamilton is an inspiration to me and many other people fighting for recovery from many different addictions. Recently, an uninformed ESPN writer wrote an article describing how Hamilton lacks mental toughness and shouldn’t be valued as a player. He asserted that Hamilton’s lack of mental toughness showed in his leaving a game early due to blurry vision caused by a sinus infection. This writer went on to describe how other players in the MLB play with much worse injuries—implying that Hamilton is not a tough player. He failed to mention the most important part of the story…Hamilton’s immense amount of mental toughness (or perhaps his 4-home run game, being the first round draft pick in 1999 for the Tampa Bay Rays, being a 5-tool player, being named to All-Star teams, being part of the Home Run derby, being MVP of the AL championship series as well as MVP of the entire AL…oh, and, most importantly, how he used his faith to overcome drug and alcohol addictions to become one of the best players in all of the MLB).

After a car accident early on in his career with the Tampa Bay Rays, Hamilton began abusing drugs to heal the physical and emotional pain from the accident. Soon, as with all addictions, his entire world became about his drug use and subsequent alcoholism. This came at the expense of his MLB career as it violated their substance abuse policy. After two years away from the game, numerous trips to rehab and finding faith in Jesus Christ…Hamilton returned to baseball. He found an accountability partner in Johnny Narron who worked with him as both a Cincinnati Red and Texas Ranger. Although he has had two known relapses, Hamilton continues to strive for complete drug and alcohol recovery. During the traditional champagne shower after winning the AL division playoffs, Hamilton’s teammates, respecting this continued efforts in sobriety/recovery, doused him with ginger ale instead.

Others, however, are not as supportive of his recovery. He receives a lot of abuse from both “fans” and other MLB players. Many mock his past. His struggles. His goal to become clean. Why? Because unless people have personally struggled with addiction they will never understand the constant thoughts that go through your head, the ever present temptation to engage in unhealthy behaviors, the barrage from the general population that we have a problem and should be treated poorly, that often times we treat ourselves even worse than they do, that recovery is an ongoing process that does not happen overnight, that every day is a struggle to remain on the path towards recovery, and everything else we deal with on a daily basis. We’re judged during relapses because everyone is under the misguided perception that recovery means perfection, and that we will never engage in unhealthy behaviors again. We’re judged during periods of health by being reminded or ridiculed for the behaviors from which we are recovering. For Hamilton, this may be worse as he has irresponsible and ill-informed ESPN writers misleading the general public on the cycle of addition, and saying that Hamilton lacks mental toughness for trying to take care of himself. Mental toughness is ALL about taking care of yourself. Mental toughness is required for recovery. Mental toughness is a skill you learn by making mistakes and learning to take care of yourself; it is not something you are born with. I admire Hamilton for his ability to overcome his addictions, remain a strong Christian, and help others who are in similar situations. As Hamilton put it “I am proof that hope is never lost”. You can be that proof too…just keep moving down the pathway to recovery and ignore the pressures from the outside. You are recovering for you and no one else; only you know what is going on inside your head and only you can make the choices to recover. Don’t pay any mind to those that judge your recovery. Having the courage to recover means you already possess more courage and strength than those who try to put you down. Never give up hope. You are worth it. Recovery is possible.